I am the loony pagan that these ramblings belong to. Sorry if i bore you but the point of this is to get things out of my head.
I am the loony pagan that these ramblings belong to. Sorry if i bore you but the point of this is to get things out of my head.
Well it’s been a long time since i rambled on here, not because i am better but more writing things down made me think more of the shit have had again last year.
You could almost say it’s been similar to the last year i wrote about, death of good friends and loved ones causing sadness and grief. Trouble within family( but that’s normal life with me), gaining a lovely new neighbour who understands my mental health better than almost anyone. By gaining her as a best friend i lost a best friend which cut me up quite bad and was quite a traumatic time as the blackdog was visiting anyway, so everything seemed much worse. In fact to be honest the blackdog has been with me most of the year and i have spent most of my time fighting him off. Battles were won and battles were lost but as a warrior i will keep fighting the battle of blackdog every day.
My Fibromyalgia has also caused huge battles for me and to be honest looking back i cannot believe where the strength has come from. Actually yes i do know where it has come from and that’s my wonderful family. My love of my life husband Daz has built me up every day with his love and caring for me. My youngest daughter gave me a beautiful grandson at the beginning of the year and tries to keep me as up as she can by sending beautiful photos of my boys and telling me what they have been up to as well as me seeing them as often as i can. Which leaves my eldest daughter who has worked bloody hard this year to change her life and has been clean of drugs for almost if not 6 months now and has become a great help to Daz by helping him care for me. I couldn’t be more proud of her as she has managed to do this without any professional help. She is almost back to being my little bitch and actually wants to spend time at home with me doing things.
I am still waiting on professional help for my mental health, so until it comes i will struggle on with the help of my family. The worst thing for me to deal with was the death of my lovely Aunt who meant the world to me. Her death made me feel like the last link to my dad had gone and it was a double whammy which, i know i am not really over yet.
December hit and so did everything else all i wanted to do was hibernate and wait until January came obviously that wasnt allowed so each day was done on auto pilot i got a nasty head cold which didnt help but with the help of self harming which i am not proud of i got through it. The black dog has been winning so much recently i really dont feel like i have won any battles especially as January hit, it is a month of anniversaries made worse by a stupid argument where instead of letting something fester in my head i spoke up!
You would think that you could do that with someone so close to you but no. It has caused so much upset and stress i wish i had kept my mouth shut and let it hit me more, i have been accused of so much and have been made to feel like a right bitch and someone who is not worthy of friends as apparently “i am only a friend when i get recognition for things i do” . This whole argument has made me hide away from everyone my agoraphobia has hit big style and i don’t want to go out or see anyone. No doubt i will get accused of putting the blame on this person, but i am not!
She is going through a lot at the moment and has been fighting the dog as well, she emailed me her feelings and unfortunately my emails have gotten out of control again so i cant face going on them. It was only a snide comment on fb that made me look, i made the mistake of answering whilst angry hurt and upset. I waited a week then calmly wrote another one bringing up certain things that had hurt or needed addressing which resulted in being accused of badgering as well as the email being quite nasty so i have decided to let things be and leave it in the hands of the Goddess.
I really hate negativity and have had to smudge my flat so many times recently, i have always got a white sage incense burning i am winning the battle of self harm (although i apparently blamed someone for me doing it) for the first time in 15 years i am consciously trying to stop myself. I am trying to think positive thought which doesn’t always work but most of all my self esteem is being rebuilt after is was knocked down.
I wish her well and hope she fights her demons and other things in her life so she can work on getting herself better.
Thats all from me a long ramble of feelings but it feels better letting it out, i will be printing this and the emails and doing a burning ceremony on to full moon to let all this go. I have found a lovely ritual to do with it so i am looking forward to the full moon now.
Love and Blessings
Well today is New Years Eve, a time for looking forward to change and reflect deciding what you do not want to take forward with you. I’m not one for New Years Resolutions as I never keep to them instead i will write a list of what i would like to manifest and bury it, then another list of what i want to leave in 2016 then burn it.
I have already started what I am leaving, early this morning i was talking to my daughter and told her basically she has to move out. Now this has really broken my heart as much as i knew it had to be done and she had also threatened me with it, it was me that actually put it into play as such.
It is not nice knowing you are putting your child out on the streets especially this time of year, but it was either do this or make myself go totally into breakdown mode. For someone who is supposed to live with us she spends more time away than what she does at home. She hardly ever lets me know where she is and I have got to the point that when the doorbell goes or the door knocks i freak incase it is the police coming to tell me she has been found dead!
That’s the problem with an addicted child, they are not well and are seen as scum of the earth, but that is far from the truth. As a parent you do have to give tough love and this is not the first time I have done it to her, i have had her arrested for stealing my wedding rings just before we got married. She has said that it was a wake up call and i am hoping this will be as well.
I love both my children more than words can say, but if I want to be here and watch my (soon to be) 2 grandchildren out of 4 grow up i have to do things for me and my health. I am already doing and have done things i am not proud of due to my mental health, taking away some of the stress in my life may help me.
Do I think this will work and she will understand?
I have no idea,I hope it will and she will understand why i have had to do this.
From a heartbroken mother I wish you a Happy New Year
Well i make no secret on how i detest this time of year to most people it means happiness and joy, to me it has mostly be hurt and feelings of being let down. This has nothing to do with being unappreciative of gifts i am given, more how over the years people have let me down, hurt me and just not bothered. Not forgetting missing those who should be here with us having fun.
This year we had plans to have my Soul Sister here to stay but due to circumstances beyond our control that hasn’t happened. My youngest daughter is heavily pregnant and now has Christmas Day with her own little family, we spend time on boxing day with them taking it in turns which home we are in. This year we are going to them and i can’t wait to see my grandson having fun with his presents.
My eldest daughter came home for Christmas but to be honest she really shouldn’t have bothered i have hardly seen her and at this moment in time has refused to open her presents and taken to her bed. She knew i wanted to get up this morning open our gifts then, to me we could treat the day as a normal Sunday just enjoying a day together the three of us. Now i can’t even see that happening.
So an emotional day turns into a black day, with my darling sweet hubby doing everything he can to remove the darkness. I am trying to fight it and enjoy the day just so i don’t ruin it for my husband.
After today my daughter is going to be told i cannot cope with this every day she has been out as well as most of the night since coming back. I’ve not known where she was or whether she has been safe and when she disappears at night i don’t sleep so i am walking zombie. My mental health cannot cope with this and although i love her to bits and don’t want to do this i know for my own health i have to.
So i will finish by saying Happy Christmas and i hope you all enjoy your day.
A couple of weeks ago i had a huge shock, i was sent for a blood test as my optician noticed something on my eyes which could mean i have high cholesterol. So i was prepared to be told cut down on this and that and eat healthy. No what i was told was i am now diabetic!!!!!!!! Oh my goddess i was not expecting that news, but together Daz and I have taken it in our stride. Last Tuesday i saw the diabetic nurse who didn’t really tell me anything different to the nurse i had seen the previous week. To top my bad news off it was confirmed i have a hip problem and need to see the surgeon. So last Tuesday night i had my last treat or bit of naughtiness, fish and chips for tea.
Wednesday started and so did the healthy eating and following my old Slimming World stuff. Daz was doing it as well but being as though we had no starting weight for him, he was having the odd treat.
Today was get on scales day and from now on will be weigh day, Daz got his starting weight and BMI, and I had my first weigh in we are using copied sheets from the book and noting our weights and whether we put on, lose or maintain. Daz will stay a week behind me but that’s not a problem. I stood on the scales and had another huge shock I had lost 10lb since Wednesday!!
Today was also the start on my training on the Wii fit, i started at 10 minutes and intend to try to build it up. I am feeling so good today, it is like i am floating i am so determined to lose weight. I will keep this page updated on my progress
Well what can i say? This last week i have been emotionally confused, people who are supposed to care have not seemed to and ones i class more as acquaintances have really surprised me.
Health wise i am diabetic, i do have a hip issue and the lump is nothing to worry about which i am happy about. A change of lifestyle may help the diabetes which i am fully embracing, been saying for far too long that i want to do something now is my chance to prove some doubting Toms wrong Once i get weighed on Monday i am going to start on the Wii fit and am going to try to do 15 mins a day to start with, and try to build it up if i can, all depending on my hip. My darling hubby is being so supportive as ever and i really do not know what i would have done emotionally without him this week, he has been my rock and kept from from doing something really stupid at times.
The good thing is i have got back into colouring which has relaxed me, today sounds like a good day to curl up and colour maybe with my mp3 plugged in and ignore the world. In fact that sounds like a bloody good plan.
As for the confusion and hurt just let it go, but watch who i am putting protection up against maybe everyone for a few days wont hurt. That may be the best thing i feel go into myself and review relationships and re-evaluate who i trust right now.
Physically i have to change maybe emotionally i should as well!!!!!!!
Today again is a day tinged with sadness as I realise there are only 2 more days with my Soul Sister a; in this Country with me and b; this side of the World.To some this sadness will sound pathetic and that I am jealous. But for those who really know me, you will know I want her to go home and have the best time ever, meeting her grandchildren and being bundled so she is at the bottom of a little pile of arms and legs all going 10 to the dozen with excitement. As well as catching up with friends and taking her own baby (17) home that some may have met but certainly not seen for years.
So why the sadness some may ask, and to be truthful I am gonna miss her every week she manages to cheer me up or take me to our sanctuary and logically working through my feelings.When you suffer with anxiety something like a friend that is supportive going away or not seeing can cause enough stress. But when you are talking you Soul Sister who you know you have walked on this earth with before it feels like part of you is being cut off. Of course we can still facetime, and talk and I can’t wait to be able to put faces with names on photos. As well as seeing photos of some of the places she is going. But nothing can take away the feeling of loss, that goes with this whole thing.
Incase I do not write again before you go my darling Soul Sister, you go over there and knock them all for 6. Have a fantastic holiday and I will see you in a few weeks. You spent this weekend making me feel so special and again taught me a few things I love you and will try and be strong and become stronger while you are yee hawing it away, just please watch out for monkeys on Virginia Beach!!!!!!!
So yesterday was my birthday a day of spoiling and being made feel special you would think?
With my family that’s a big FAT NO, now my husband did get me a card a wrote some very loving words in it but felt bad as he hadn’t been paid so couldn’t get me anything.
We all know the card shops now sell cards for 29p or less my youngest couldn’t even do that for me, she told me she would order my present on payday tomorrow so i didn’t feel to forgotten. Then she just told me i have to wait til september for my present, i know i sound pathetic but i nearly cried. The older on messaged me saying she would be home within 10-15 mins 2 hours before i had to go out this afternoon and arrived 5 mins before i left. I have come home to her not being here but a message to contact her when home which i did only to get asked what i was doing for tea. I have just walked in from a meeting not even drunk my cuppa yet and get that.
Now my meeting what can I say a card with Glastonbury tor on it, a beautiful card with pens as a present and a card with £10 in it. the meeting was followed by a cream tea and a chocolate birthday cake for me from the forum. What a difference!!!!!!!!
I was also spoillt by my sister who couldn’t get here yesterday and now have my hubby and soul sister’s gifts on Saturday to look forward to.
But my daughters have really really upset me again i may sound selfish but they will both be asking me for things for their birthdays or in ones case prob tomorrow. Why should i keep bothering when i keep being let down like this it’s not like my birthday changes each year.
Now i feel like crawling into bed and not getting up until Saturday morning
The last month has been one full of ups and downs for me, anniversaries of death and funerals and just as I thought it could get no worse I fond out yesterday of another tragic life gone.
What with the crazy world we are now living in , it is no wonder people are scared to go to football matches, concerts or even parties in the parks and Carnivals. we had someone attacked at our carnival last week luckily a couple of good Samaritans scared the attacker away. What sort of heritage or legacy are we leaving our children,even more so what can our grand children expect to come across when they are older!!
What can we do to keep ourselves and family safe? For me it is quite easy i am gonna stay in my own little bubble and make sure those i love have their bubbles or cloaks of protection on, for the wider world i have no idea i spose we have to be more vigilant and if we see something that just looks or feels wrong report it. It saddens me that this is the world we live in an anxiety, stress built world with everyone forgetting the simple things in life-like the beauty of a butterfly for fear of a terrorist.
It makes me wonder how many more people the Doctors have had to deal with suffering from agorphobia, it’s quite ironic i had started to feel better about going out. I still need someone with me but had noticed i could sit in town having a coffee with the kids all on holiday and not feel the anxiety levels rising.
I feel a strong urge to be able to walk along a beach of an evening with Bella and maybe stop for fish and chips on the way home like we used to as children , mum would decide if our day was going to be a beach or forest day. We always packed a picnic lunch and spent the day in the beautiful New Forest playing games and just chilling out as a family. Then an hour in the evening walking along the beach and stopping on way or picking up when we got home fish and chips before climbing happy but tired into bed, after a full day outside in the fresh air Now I can’t do that at the moment with it be with my brothers and sister or my own children, and the whole playing games bit would be a little hard. But the call of the ocean is getting stronger and stronger. Instead i will probably get Bentley’s new water play area out and play with that lol or have a little longer in the bath trying to imaging it’s the ocean.
Well that is the loony rambling for this evening.
Merry Meet My Friends
Well this week is a really bad week for me, yesterday was the anniversary on my son in law’s death. I spent 5 hours with my daughter in the flat waiting for scenes of crime and police investigated as it was an unexplained death. It turned out he took an overdose accidentally, which makes me so mad at him as that very day they both gave clean drug tests. Him doing this was the catalyst of social services coming in and eventually my grandchildren being taken into care the put up for adoption. Let alone the effect is has had on my daughter. For me sitting in that flat gave me PTSD mildly,this is mainly the only time i get it. But the flashbacks can and do hit whenever they want.
This weekend a young lady lost her life i have no idea how but seeing the police bring someone out of a upstairs window and everyone using a ladder i can only presume her body was at the bottom of the stairs. This set off the flashbacks and no sleep for me, so i am running on coffee and cigarettes today i am feeling like a snap dragon and feel i should hide away from everyone so i don’t upset anybody but i know it won’t do me any good.
My daughter who has been clean now for 6 weeks went out yesterday afternoon and never returned home overnight, which obviously had me worried this morning. She is safe with a friend of ours but i am so annoyed they didn’t think of letting me know this til i asked him.
Now to top all of this i have a first anniversary of a very good friend this week as well.To be honest he was more like a son to me, i’m feeling so broken over this week but there is something good that come out of this one i met my Soul Sister and i know Steve would be so happy about our friendship.In fact i am almost certain our friendship has been his doing.
Well that is all for now, may the Goddess guide you and bless you
Well what a lovely day today has been, spending time with my lovely Soul Sister Psaryce in Southampton. Although my Fibro was being a bitch which after 3 busy days I knew it would be, exhaustion isn’t the word !!!! The pain has been unbearable at times as well, but to be honest the end result was very worth it.
I brought my new house rabbit called Dobie home with me, I am so happy she is black and white. She is so snuggly, I just hope Bella my staffy learns to love her rather than being petrified of her. I will add photos of them both in my next post.