Thoughts And Feelings

Well today is the 6th anniversary of my son in laws death! In fact i am writing this 25 minutes away from the actual time i was called on that horrific and memorable day. As i sit here and think back it’s hard to look and see how many people that were in my life then are no longer. My grandchildren are two i miss everyday as much as it hurts i cannot stop wondering where they are and how they are doing. Clint and i had a love to hate/hate to love relationship and part of me will never forgive him for that day, seeing my daughter broken down in shock is a sight i never wanted to see. Telling my grandchildren daddy had gone to heaven was not a talk i should have had to do, the five hours in the flat with his dead body was an experience i should never had to go through. Thoughts and memories of that day are wrapped up in PTSD.

I look at who else that was in my life that now isn’t here is what was a good friend Liz, she passed last year with us going through a stage of not being friends thanks to outside influences. Another one gone but although we were not on talking terms when she passed and i didn’t know what was going on with her, we had years of good times and happy memories other people can’t take away. She was there that day with and for me and the kids as she was so many times.

Then my darling adopted boy Steve how i miss him so much, always had a listening ear for me. We went to hell and back together and a bond so strong was formed that nobody could break if they tried and yes it was tried but backfired. Through his passing i met my Soul Sister Psyrace one beautiful soul that it destined to come in and out of my life at the right times. I only wish i had met her with him as he wanted when he was alive, he knew we would bond as sisters and it took him passing for that to happen. Unfortunately Psyrace and i have had a spell of not being in each others lives although she was always in my heart, she is heading back to me in a time of my life where everything is topsy turvy and scary.

These are just a few beautiful souls that have gone one way or another and now i am living in a time of uncertainty. The whole world is going through a pandemic that has killed so many, we live in a time that has had lockdowns and social distancing living in fear of a virus called Coronna or covid having to wear face masks if we go out. Not that we are actually supposed to go out unless it meets certain criterias, months being spent at home not seeing anyone and not going out fed a lot of peoples mental health issues mine included. It is a situation i would never have dreamed i would go through in my lifetime so many people being affected through ignorance and selfishness of others. Luckily after 3 months i was able to see my grandchildren due to a change in lockdown rules, that has helped me out mentally so much as well as benefitted the kids poor Bentley was told that grandparent were at risk of dying this had him petrified that both Daz and i was going to die. If i ever get hold of the person that had 30 kids thinking they would lose their grandparents i wont be held responsible for my actions. Although things have supposedly got better the fear is still there not just for my own safety but for anybody that has touch my life one way or another, the main starter to any conversation or message is always “how are you” followed by “how are you coping” all said with hope that the answers are “i’m okay” and “yes i’m coping”.

All because of the fear of losing someone close due to other peoples selfish and ignorant behaviour. Ffs it’s not rocket science to follow a few new rules implemented to keep us alive. A life more suited to a science fiction story.

Still in Lockdown

Yes we are still in lockdown and still it is being flounced for family and friends round for barbecues and parties. It is totally maddening that people can’t even follow simple rules.

I am so not coping now in many ways, my agoraphobia is loving me not going out and i’m having anxiety attacks at the thought of going down to my garden even having to answer the door if daz is out sets me into one. Where i’m not going anywhere my legs are hurting so much more just walking round the flat which is beyond a joke, i am stuck in a catch 22 situation on this one as i know i need to build up my muscles but the anxiety is actually causing problems stopping me from doing anything. So all of this is hitting me hard mentally although i have a fantastic support network, i have not felt i can be totally truthful to them all on how i have truly been feeling Jem has enough on her plate being a single mum and dealing with things from the break up so there is no way i am adding to her stress. Daz spends a lot of his day stressing over me as it is as well as trying to cope with his own mental health and of course his fibro. Hayley is just living her life in her own little bubble not giving a fuck about anyone else. So the long nights where i’m awake has become my time where silly thoughts enter my head and nobody is around to talk these thoughts through with, it’s easy a silly thought all of a sudden becomes the biggest problem on earth it goes bigger than me and i can’t process it or let it go. When it comes to most nights the thought gets big and all of a sudden another small one is there to deal with it’s like a constant circle that obviously starts small and gets bigger and bigger the only way some nights to stop it all is by hurting myself so the mind goes on to that and away from every thing else. I then hate myself for being weak letting it get to me so the depression gets deeper which means the pain gets worse taking it back to going lower because of the pain.

With this lockdown i haven’t seen my grandchildren for the longest time ever, my daughter and i have never gone this length of time without seeing each other. Last week things came to a head for me to an extent i didn’t harm but started the dark thoughts of not wanting to be here any more again. Obviously i never said a word to anyone just sat night after night planning what i would do how i would do it etc. Friday daytime i took a fall hitting my head and hurting myself, Saturday i spoke with Jem and admitted to hitting my head and she went into full panic mode with her mortal fear of head injuries meaning death (as it happened with her father) So yesterday she did exactly what i have been moaning about other people doing. Yep she popped up when the kids were with their father. All of us have been in total lockdown since it started she didn’t bring kids and didn’t stay long.

The result of that short time is i actually slept better last night with no bad thoughts, i felt like i had been given a major boost, i laughed more than i have in a longtime, and i spent more time with a smile on my face than i have for a longtime. But it wasn’t just me that it effected Daz was happier and Jem not only put her mind at risk over my head injury but was boosted by seeing me. So it was worth it and WAS needed or i have no idea what i would have done this week.

I can’t wait for the lockdown to be lifted as i still miss my grandbabies but i facetime them most days. In the mean time we are going to sort a few things in the flat and i am going to have to start rebuilding my muscles to try to ease my pain and hopefully stay as bouyant as possible

Pandemic

Well the country is in Lockdown!!!!!

We are in the middle of a killer virus which has put the whole of our Country plus other Countries in total Lockdown. The Coronavirus started in China and has spread worldwide and has killed thousands of people. To start off with it was suggested we stayed at home unless we had to go out, now it has gone to us having to stay at home unless it is essential to go out. The essential reasons are if we need shopping, medications and an hour a day for exercise. We are to stay 2 meters away from people when we do go out, it is a horrible scary situation to be in especially as i have been classed as high risk of catching the bloody thing because of my asthma and diabetes. In fact i have not left the house apart from a quick trip to the garden for over a month now, shopping is ridiculous as people are still panic buying leaving hardly anything for others. Daz and Steve have been going shopping between 8am and 9am as that is the time put aside for vulnerable and disabled people supposedly giving the chance of getting what is needed and in relative peace, otherwise the queues are taking up to 2 hours to get into shops as they are limiting the amount of people allowed in at a time.

As per usual we have idiots who think the lockdown doesn’t include them and that they can do whatever they like , Annie nextdoor being one. Which really pisses me off as i’ve not seen my grandchildren since beginning of March, couldn’t even see Bentley for his birthday. I have no idea how long this is going to last but it is not doing my mental health any good.

The whole situation is horrendous i know i don’t go out much but this lockdown is feeding my agoraphobia making it very hard for me to even go down to the garden let alone going anywhere. My mobility has also been hit as sciatica has hit badly and seeing a dr is almost impossible, even walking round the flat is leaving me in pain! I have told Daz that i may have to start trying to walk up the lane trying to build up the distance each time as i will not give in and end up in wheelchair yet. So the pain and agoraphobia is feeding the depression but not as much as not seeing my kids and grandkids is, luckily i am able to video call Jem and the kids Maisie is growing so fast i am really feeling like i am missing out on her growing let alone the boys. As Jem is a single mum i feel that by not being able to help her through this with kids i am letting her down, although the sane and sensible part of me does pop up now and again to tell me how ridiculous those thoughts are as there is nothing i can do about it and i am just a phone call away. As for Hays well she’s being her usual selfish self by not keeping in touch or answering her phone but i know shes been on facebook so must be okay.

To top it all off my precious Dobie passed away on Saturday the twentieth anniversary of my dad passing so that was obviously a day from hell for me. We have worked out she must have been around 10 years old and i now almost all of that time she was well loved, we have buried her in a special place in the garden and have put a rosemary bush on top so she can’t be dug up by other animals. I am really missing her already as she was such a special member of our family even the boys loved her to bits.

Well that’s the latest update on this loony pagan’s life sad as it is. Hopefully will be able to update soon saying all this crap is over with fingers crossed.

Blessed Be

Changes in my life

Well such a long time since i rambled on here although one post seems to have got lost on the internet somewhere.

Where to start, my eldest is off the drugs and has been for over a year now ok she did substitute the drugs with alcohol but at least that’s kinda safer. No worries on what it has been cut with or how much it’s been cut, having said that alcohol brings it’s own problems like pancreatitis and gallbladder issues. She has cut down her drinking and is in a relationship that has taken a lot to come to terms with and accept, she is getting married pretty soon to a man double her age she is 31 and he is 62. Her father and i knew the man years ago when we ran the pub and i have no idea what John would say or feel about it a he has health issues as well.

Youngest has given me 2 gorgeous grandsons and 11 weeks ago gave me the cutest granddaughter. This weekend i was rocked to the core as she told e her and her partner have split up!! I really have mixed emotions on this and although it’s her life i’m struggling to process this and it has hit my mental health. Maybe that comes across as selfish but she never gives much away so you end up having to read between the lines. Once you start thinking all sorts of scenarios enter your head well especially mine hence it hitting me as much.

My own health has been pretty shit recently the Fibro has been a bitch on top of the mental health as my Dr said the head is like a cup and can only hold so much, mine is totally overflowing at the moment she putting my anti-depressants up from 225mg to 300mg! How i am going to cope with that will be seen when the pills come, i will also see what else was done yesterday as i saw the Dr on mine on and my anxiety was sky high. I honestly cannot remember what was said. Daz normally comes in with me but he was off trying to get his own meds sorted. The biggest laugh was being asked how i relax and had i heard of mindfulness lmfao, i have more mindfulness things here as well as a beautiful fluffy bunny who gives her mumma snuggles and of course my Bella who loves snuggles.

My husband is my rock, he knows without him i wouldn’t be here, he does so much for me every minute of the day. He also has Fibro but his isn’t as progressed as mine having that he spends all of his time in pain, but if i ask for anything he sorts it from the simple making me cups of tea to helping me in and out of the bath. The best thing he does is hold me through pseudo seizures or muscle spasms or just when i need a hug. If i’m down he tries to put a smile on my face. He is more than my rock he is my hero.

The agoraphobia still has it’s claws in me making my life hell last year i lost a couple of friends through it, they say they understand it but when it comes down to it i’m not bothering with friends they never understand in the end. The only thing guaranteed is it all ends up with hurt and i’m not prepared to go through that anymore, yeah i understand people come in your life to either learn from or teach to but fuck that it’s not worth the hurt

Sick and Tired

Well it’s been a long time since i rambled on here, not because i am better but more writing things down made me think more of the shit  have had again last year.

You could almost say it’s been similar to the last year i wrote about, death of good friends and loved ones causing sadness and grief. Trouble within family( but that’s normal life with me), gaining a lovely new neighbour who understands my mental health better than almost anyone. By gaining her as a best friend i lost a best friend which cut me up quite bad and was quite a traumatic time as the blackdog was visiting anyway, so everything seemed much worse. In fact to be honest the blackdog has been with me most of the year and i have spent most of my time fighting him off. Battles were won and battles were lost but as a warrior i will keep fighting the battle of blackdog every day.

My Fibromyalgia has also caused huge battles for me and to be honest looking back i cannot believe where the strength has come from. Actually yes i do know where it has come from and that’s my wonderful family. My love of my life husband Daz has built me up every day with his love and caring for me. My youngest daughter gave me a beautiful grandson at the beginning of the year and tries to keep me as up as she can by sending beautiful photos of my boys and telling me what they have been up to as well as me seeing them as often as i can. Which leaves my eldest daughter who has worked bloody hard this year to change her life and has been clean of drugs for almost if not 6 months now and has become a great help to Daz by helping him care for me. I couldn’t be more proud of her as she has managed to do this without any professional help. She is almost back to being my little bitch and actually wants to spend time at home with me doing things.

I am still waiting on professional help for my mental health, so until it comes i will struggle on with the help of my family. The worst thing for me to deal with was the death of my lovely Aunt who meant the world to me. Her death made me feel like the last link to my dad had gone and it was a double whammy which, i know i am not really over yet.

December hit and so did everything else all i wanted to do was hibernate and wait until January came obviously that wasnt allowed so each day was done on auto pilot i got a nasty head cold which didnt help but with the help of self harming which i am not proud of i got through it. The black dog has been winning so much recently i really dont feel like i have won any battles especially as January hit, it is a month of anniversaries made worse by a stupid argument where instead of letting something fester in my head i spoke up!

You would think that you could do that with someone so close to you but no. It has caused so much upset and stress i wish i had kept my mouth shut and let it hit me more, i have been accused of so much and have been made to feel like a right bitch and someone who is not worthy of friends as apparently “i am only a friend when i get recognition for things i do” . This whole argument has made me hide away from everyone my agoraphobia has hit big style and i don’t want to go out or see anyone. No doubt i will get accused of putting the blame on this person, but i am not!

She is going through a lot at the moment and has been fighting the dog as well, she emailed me her feelings and unfortunately my emails have gotten out of control again so i cant face going on them. It was only a snide comment on fb that made me look, i made the mistake of answering whilst angry hurt and upset. I waited a week then calmly wrote another one bringing up certain things that had hurt or needed addressing which resulted in being accused of badgering as well as the email being quite nasty so i have decided to let things be and leave it in the hands of the Goddess.

I really hate negativity and have had to smudge my flat so many times recently, i have always got a white sage incense burning i am winning the battle of self harm (although i apparently blamed someone for me doing it) for the first time in 15 years i am consciously trying to stop myself. I am trying to think positive thought which doesn’t always work but most of all my self esteem is being rebuilt after is was knocked down.

I wish her well and hope she fights her demons and other things in her life so she can work on getting herself better.

Thats all from me a long ramble of feelings but it feels better letting it out, i will be printing this and the emails and doing a burning ceremony on to full moon to let all this go. I have found a lovely ritual to do with it so i am looking forward to the full moon now.

Love and Blessings

New Year Heartbreak

Well today is New Years Eve, a time for looking forward to change and reflect deciding what you do not want to take forward with you. I’m not one for New Years Resolutions as I never keep to them instead i will write a list of what i would like to manifest and bury it, then another list of what i want to leave in 2016 then burn it.

I have already started what I am leaving, early this morning i was talking to my daughter and told her basically she has to move out. Now this has really broken my heart as much as i knew it had to be done and she had also threatened me with it, it was me that actually put it into play as such.

It is not nice knowing you are putting your child out on the streets especially this time of year, but it was either do this or make myself go totally into breakdown mode. For someone who is supposed to live with us she spends more time away than what she does at home. She hardly ever lets me know where she is and I have got to the point that when the doorbell goes or the door knocks i freak incase it is the police coming to tell me she has been found dead!

That’s the problem with an addicted child, they are not well and are seen as scum of the earth, but that is far from the truth. As a parent you do have to give tough love and this is not the first time I have done it to her, i have had her arrested for stealing my wedding rings just before we got married. She has said that it was a wake up call and i am hoping this will be as well.

I love both my children more than words can say, but if I want to be here and watch  my (soon to be) 2 grandchildren out of 4 grow up i have to do things for me and my health. I am already doing and have done things i am not proud of due to my mental health, taking away some of the stress in my life may help me.

Do I think this will work and she will understand?

I have no idea,I hope it will and she will understand why i have had to do this.

From a heartbroken mother I wish you a Happy New Year

Joy of Yuletide

Well i make no secret on how i detest this time of year to most people it means happiness and joy, to me it has mostly be hurt and feelings of being let down. This has nothing to do with being unappreciative of gifts i am given, more how over the years people have let me down, hurt me and just not bothered. Not forgetting missing those who should be here with us having fun.

This year we had plans to have my Soul Sister here to stay but due to circumstances beyond our control that hasn’t happened. My youngest daughter is heavily pregnant and now has Christmas Day with her own little family, we spend time on boxing day with them taking it in turns which home we are in. This year we are going to them and i can’t wait to see my grandson having fun with his presents.

My eldest daughter came home for Christmas but to be honest she really shouldn’t have bothered i have hardly seen her and at this moment in time has refused to open her presents and taken to her bed. She knew i wanted to get up this morning open our gifts then, to me we could treat the day as a normal Sunday just enjoying a day together the three of us. Now i can’t even see that happening.

So an emotional day turns into a black day, with my darling sweet hubby  doing everything he can to remove the darkness. I am trying to fight it and enjoy the day just so i don’t ruin it for my husband.

After today my daughter is going to be told i cannot cope with this every day she has been out as well as most of the night since coming back. I’ve not known where she was or whether she has been safe and when she disappears at night i don’t sleep so i am walking zombie. My mental health cannot cope with this and although i love her to bits and don’t want to do this i know for my own health i have to.

So i will finish by saying Happy Christmas and i hope you all enjoy your day.

Proud of myself

A couple of weeks ago i had a huge shock, i was sent for a blood test as my optician noticed something on my eyes which could mean i have high cholesterol. So i was prepared to be told cut down on this and that and eat healthy. No what i was told was i am now diabetic!!!!!!!! Oh my goddess i was not expecting that news, but together Daz and I have taken it in our stride. Last Tuesday i saw the diabetic nurse who didn’t really tell me anything different to the nurse i had seen the previous week. To top my bad news off it was confirmed i have a hip problem and need to see the surgeon. So last Tuesday night i had my last treat or bit of naughtiness, fish and chips for tea.

Wednesday started and so did the healthy eating and following my old Slimming World stuff. Daz was doing it as well but being as though we had no starting weight for him, he was having the odd treat.

Today was get on scales day and from now on will be weigh day, Daz got his starting weight and BMI, and I had my first weigh in we are using copied sheets from the book and noting our weights and whether we put on, lose or maintain. Daz will stay a week behind me but that’s not a problem. I stood on the scales and had another huge shock I had lost 10lb since Wednesday!!

Today was also the start on my training on the Wii fit, i started at 10 minutes and intend to try to build it up. I am feeling so good today, it is like i am floating i am so determined to lose weight. I will keep this page updated on my progress

Confusion Reigns

Well what can i say? This last week i have been emotionally confused, people who are supposed to care have not seemed to and ones i class more as acquaintances have really surprised me.

Health wise i am diabetic, i do have a hip issue and the lump is nothing to worry about which i am happy about. A change of lifestyle may help the diabetes which i am fully embracing, been saying for far too long that i want to do something now is my chance to prove some doubting Toms wrong Once i get weighed on Monday i am going to start on the Wii fit and am going to try to do 15 mins a day to start with, and try to build it up if i can, all depending on my hip. My darling hubby is being so supportive as ever and i really do not know what i would have done emotionally without him this week, he has been my rock and kept from from doing something really stupid at times.

The good thing is i have got back into colouring which has relaxed me, today sounds like a good day to curl up and colour maybe with my mp3 plugged in and ignore the world. In fact that sounds like a bloody good plan.

As for the confusion and hurt just let it go, but watch who i am putting protection up against maybe everyone for a few days wont hurt. That may be the best thing i feel go into myself and review relationships and re-evaluate who i trust right now.

Physically i have to change maybe emotionally i should as well!!!!!!!

Emotions

Today again is a day tinged with sadness as I realise there are only 2 more days with my Soul Sister a; in this Country with me and b; this side of the World.To some this sadness will sound pathetic and that I am jealous. But for those who really know me, you will know I want her to go home and have the best time ever, meeting her grandchildren and being bundled so she is at the bottom of a little pile of arms and legs all going 10 to the dozen with excitement. As well as catching up with friends and taking her own baby (17) home that some may have met but certainly not seen for years.

So why the sadness some may ask, and to be truthful I am gonna miss her every week she manages to cheer me up or take me to our sanctuary and logically working through my feelings.When you suffer with anxiety something like a friend that is supportive going away or not seeing can cause enough stress. But when you are talking you Soul Sister who you know you have walked on this earth with before it feels like part of you is being cut off. Of course we can still facetime, and talk and I can’t wait to be able to put faces with names on photos. As well as seeing photos of some of the places she is going. But nothing can take away the feeling of loss, that goes with this whole thing.

Incase I do not write again before you go my darling Soul Sister, you go over there and knock them all for 6. Have a fantastic holiday and I will see you in a few weeks. You spent this weekend making me feel so special and again taught me a few things I love you and will try and be strong and become stronger while you are yee hawing it away, just please watch out for monkeys on Virginia Beach!!!!!!!